Life of a Redneck

Today at work a delivery driver was pretty angry after i made him wait in a line of cars for less than 10 minutes until the way was clear. In an attempt at releasing his frustration, he decided to hit my lunch box which was sitting on the shoulder of the road behind me. Believe me, it was intentional, i saw him swerve right for it. It went flying in the air breaking into a thousand pieces. My water bottle exploded, as did my orange and my sandwich was spread across the newly laid asphalt. Before i could make my way over to salvage what was left the birds got at it. Thats when my day started going downhill....it was 9am.

In other news one of the boys asked me if i wanted anything from 711. I told him to surprise me and he winked and drove away. When he came back he handed me a bottle of a drink called 'blue bawls' which had a 'RED HOT dice' scratch card taped to it......i think he was trying to tell me something...i won $1.

The Legend Of The Jasper Seven

Well May Long Weekend has come and past (or "May Two Four" for you weirdos out East) and as many of you know it is my favorite holiday (aside from Halloween). This year may have been the most eventful yet. At the last minute i decided to tag along with Tony and his friends to camp in Jasper. Thursday night everybody met at Ryan's house so that we could leave early Friday morning. I showed up with a small backpack, a shoulder bag and a garbage bag of camping stuff only to see that everyone had hardcore backpacking packs because - as Tony had failed to mention - we had to hike to our camping spot. Luckily Ryan's brother Jared had decided not to come so i was able to use his backpack but i was still only wearing slip on shoes.

With a list that included everything from drinking water to bear mace to a samurai sword we got our gear together before catching a few hours of sleep and heading out bright and early Friday. Once in Jasper we stopped at the town center and paid for our reservations on the 'Saturday night lake loop' which was a four or five hour hike up the mountain to a lake where we would be the only ones camping in the middle of nowhere. The lady in the lodge reminded us to watch out for elk and make sure we kept the bear mace handy during the trek. After that we followed Jordan Roy and his 'photographic memory' to the parking spot, put on our packs, and started the hike. After about a half an hour of hiking the trail started leading us down towards town again. It didn't take us long to become suspicious...after all, it had been two years since Ryan and Jordan had been their last and none of us were quite certain as to how photographic Roy's memory actually was. Crystal and Janine were quick to point out that this was exactly how horror movies started. Bryce (aka Squirrel) ran ahead, being the army boy he is, to scout the path and soon returned with the news that we had to turn around. Great, after an hour of hiking we were back where we started and the two days worth of water and food on our backs were starting to become more than a burden. But it was a beautiful day and we weren't ready to give up yet so we chose another path and continued on our way.

After another couple hours we came to a clearing and were ecstatic to here that Ryan and Jordan both remembered being there before...only...hadn't they come from the other direction last time?? oh well. The boys took a look at the map on the trail and we continued hiking down path number 6....and hiking......and hiking.....and hiking.....past one lake.....then another....I'm not talking about your friendly day trail here either, we were on precarious mountain paths with heavy packs weighing us down with every step. The further in we got the harder the trail became and the less it seamed like we were actually going the right way. All of a sudden Jordan piped up, "hey guys, i think i remember now, we were supposed to take trail number three..." then Ryan catches up from the back of the line, "Hey guys...I'm pretty sure it was trail three now that i think about it!" Thanks guys....your about three and a half hours late on that one!

After one very steep, very high hill we decided that this was it, it was almost 6 o'clock, we were exhausted after 4 hours of hiking and we only had a few hours left before the sun went down. We had to choose a place to camp and we had to do it now. We weren't sure if we were allowed to camp around this area but squirrel had a plan if anyone gave us any trouble. "I'm just gonna tell em I'm a soldier on leave and they can #$%& right off!" Anyway, the rangers were all on strike, we figured we would be fine. We found a beautiful sandy peninsula into the middle of a lake and took a look at our surroundings. It was breathtaking. Mountains on all sides. Only, wait, whats that in the distance? Whats that sound? Cars?! A highway!!?? We just hiked for four hours to be an hour walk from a highway and a rest stop?! What are those lights? Cabins?! a campground!!...oh great, so much for being alone in the middle of nowhere. We set up camp, started a fire, and sat around letting the whole thing sink in. It wasn't that bad, the highway was pretty far away, we could barely see it, and this spot was amazing. We cooked some dinner and Squirrel gave us some samples of his army rations. There was only one problem, we didn't have a sling to tie up our food and by the time we realized this Ryan had already drank a bottle of sake, Roy was almost through his case of beer, Tony was well into the Rum, and Squirrel had already taken a drunken swim in the glacier fed lake. Needless to say, none of the boys were in any position to rig something up. We opted to put all of our food in garbage bags, wrap it in a tarp and leave it at the very tip of the peninsula before we all stumbled to bed.

Morning came and the day was beautiful. Jordan, Tony, and I stayed at the site while the others trekked up to the campground to see if we could rent a canoe or something. As we debated cracking into the gin a tourist came by with his two kids in a canoe to ask if we saw any bears. (or bieaas as he pronounced them) He told us that one had been seen a few miles up and to watch out for it. We weren't too worried, we had a plan for that too; "Mace em and Cut em!" Ryan didn't bring his samurai sword for nothing.

All of a sudden Crystal came running down the path, "Put the fire out! we gotta pack up and get the hell out of here, they called the cops on us!" We dumped water on our fire and started to pack up quick time. The Mountie came along the path threatening a $5000 ticket for illegal camping and an illegal fire but after we explained the situation she took our names and sent us on our way. We were off again. Now when the only thing getting you through the hike the day before is knowing that your packs are going to shed two days worth of food and water before the hike back, trekking back through the mountains sore, hungover, and with your packs almost as heavy as they were the night before is NOT fun! Luckily we found a new trail and it only took us about 2 hours to find our cars again. We decided to go back to town and see if we could get our money back for the second night and just find a campground to tent at. Thinking the weekend was a bust Janine went in to try and sweet talk the lady.

"Are you the kids that ended up at Patricia lake?"
"Uh...Yea....How did you know?"
"You guys must have angles watching out for you, your lucky to even be alive. The largest grizzly ever reported in Jasper was spotted 500m away from you guys this morning stalking you, not to mention the fact that you were camping on protected grounds. Every weekend people try to get special permits to stay exactly where you guys were but no one is allowed and you kids just up and did it! Heres your money back but be on your best behavior wherever you stay tonight, everyone in town knows who you kids are now."

We drove through town feeling like legends, found a campground, had another great night and headed for the hot springs in the morning. Id do it again in a second....only maybe next time ill bring a map....